Below are the 20 most recent journal entries recorded in Ed's LiveJournal:

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Sunday, October 15th, 2006
9:18 pm	survey thingy allie's makin me do T_T 1. How tall are you barefoot? 5'11" 2. Have you ever smoked heroin? no... I thought heroin was through needles anyways 3. Do you own a gun? no 5. Do you get nervous before "meeting the parents"? never had a gf before so o_o 6. What do you think of hot dogs? yummy ^o^ 7. What's your favorite Christmas song? prolly feliz navidad cause spanish 8. What do you prefer to drink in the morning? orange juice usually 9. Can you do push ups? yes 10. Is your bathroom clean? yep 11. What's your favorite piece of jewelry? watch, maybe necklace (on me anyways) 12. Do you like painkillers? never tried them 13. What is your secret weapon to lure in the opposite sex? uhhhhh o_o... my manliness ;0 14. Do you own a knife? butter knife o_o 15. Do you have A.D.D.? I dunno, don't think so 16. Middle Name? James 17. Name 3 thoughts at this exact moment: 1. Why is allie making me take this T_T 2. How long is this @_@ 3. What's Allie doin right now o_o 18. Name the last 3 things you have bought: milk, kahlua, and vodka (for white russians ^O^) 19. Name 3 drinks you regularly drink: mt. dew, wild cherry pepsi, chocolate milk 20. What time did you wake up today? like 11 but went back to bed 22. Current worry? failing school 23. Current hate? long surveys 24. Favorite place to be? depends on my mood 25. Least favorite place to be? huge crowds, sports games, boring places 26. Where would you like to go? Japan 27. Do you own slippers? no, they burned 28. What shirt are you wearing? black with swirly things 29. Do you burn or tan? neither, I'm naturally tan because mexican :0 30. Favorite color(s)? red, black and sometimes blue and white 31. Would you be a pirate? uhhh I guess o_o 32. Last time you had an alcoholic drink? last night ^^;; 33. What songs do you sing in the shower? depends on if people can hear <.< 34. What did you fear was going to get you at night as a child? ALIENS... and robbing midgets who would carry my house away with me still inside ToT 35. What's in your pockets right now? cell phone, change, keys, pencil, nail clippers, wallet, pen 36. Last thing that made you laugh? that thing Allie said :0 37. Best bed sheets you had as a child? wha o_o 38. Worst injury you've ever had? *never been injured* 40. Are your parents still together? no 41. Who is your loudest friend? probably Lance, but it depends 42. Who is your most silent friend? Allie 43. Does someone have a crush on you? I dunno, prolly not 44. Do you wish on shooting stars? if I saw one... maybe 45. What is your favorite book? Wizards First Rule 46. What is your favorite candy? prolly reeses :0 47. What song do/did you want played at your wedding? depends on my wife o_o 48. What song do you want played at your funeral? ABC mouse parade :0 49. What were you doing 12 AM last night? drinking and talking to Allie XD;; 50. What was the First thing you thought of when you woke up this morning?? I cannot say :0 Current Mood: chipper (Comment on this)
Thursday, March 30th, 2006
3:00 am	Wrath 1. Who did you last get angry with? Allie 2. What is your weapon of choice? Two-handed bastard sword 3. Would you hit a member of the opposite sex? hell no 4. How about of the same sex? hell yes 5. Who was the last person who got really angry at you? nobody, everyone loves me :3 6. What is your pet peeve? my pet's name is sex panther, not peeve o_o 7. Do you keep grudges, or can you let them go easily? let them go easily if they apologize Sloth 1. What is one thing you're supposed to do daily that you haven't? eat/sleep 2. What is the latest you've ever woken up? 11:59 pm 3. Name a person you've been meaning to contact, but haven't: if I want to contact someone, I do 4. What is the last lame excuse you made?: I don't make excuses 5. Have you ever watched an infomercial all the way through (one of the long ones): hell no 6. When was the last time you got a good workout in? if walking a long distance counts, a few hours ago. if they mean lifting weights, it's been 2 or 3 years 7. How many times did you hit the snooze button on your alarm clock today?: I lose count after the 10th or so Gluttony 1. What is your overpriced beverage of choice? I'm poor, I drink whatever's free 2. Meat eaters: white meat or dark meat?: depends on my mood 3. What is the greatest amount of alcohol you've had in one sitting/outing/event? ...half gallon of vodka 4. Have you ever used a professional diet company? no 5. Do you have an issue with your weight? yes 6. Do you prefer sweets, salty foods, or spicy foods? spicy 7. Have you ever looked at a small house pet or child and thought "LUNCH"? mmmm yes ;0 (of course not what kind of stupid question is this?) Lust 1. How many people have you seen naked (not counting movies/family)? 0 2. How many people have seen YOU naked (not counting physicians/family)? 0 3. Have you ever caught yourself staring at the chest/crotch of a member of your gender of choice during a normal conversation? no 4. Have you "done it"? no (your kidding, right?) 5. What is your favorite body part on a person of your gender of choice? eyes or hair, depending on the person 6. Have you ever been propositioned by a prostitute? no 7. Have you ever had to get tested for an STD or pregnancy? no Greed 1. How many credit cards do you own? 0 2. What's your guilty pleasure store? I don't shop 3. If you had 1 million dollars, what would you do with it? 10% to the church, 10% to savings, 50% invested, and 30% for myself (the same I do with all my income) 4. Would you rather be rich, or famous? Rich 5. Would you accept a boring job if it meant you would make megabucks? yes 6. Have you ever stolen anything? no 7. How many MP3's are on your hard drive? 371 Pride 1. What's one thing you have done that you're most proud of? nothing 2. What's one thing you have done that your parents are most proud of? like I would know 3. What's one thing you would like to accomplish in your life? love, and yes it is an accomplishment 4. Do you get annoyed by coming in second place? no 5. Have you ever entered a contest of skill, knowing you were of much higher skill than all the other competitors? yes 6. Have you ever cheated on something to get a higher score? no, except schoolwork cause I'm lazy 7. What did you do today that you're proud of? nothing ENVY 1. What item (or person) of your friends would you most want to have for your own? nothing (you can own people?) 2. Who would you want to go on "Trading Spaces" with? what's trading spaces? 3. If you could be anyone else in the world, who would you be? My cat 4. Have you ever been cheated on? Have to have someone love you first 5. Have you ever wished you had a physical feature different from your own? yes 6. What inborn trait do you see in others that you wish you had for yourself? sanity 7. Do you wish you'd come up with this survey? no 8. Finally, what is your favorite deadly sin? wrath (Comment on this)
Sunday, March 12th, 2006
6:59 am	what makes a person strong? what makes them weak? A good question, one that for a long time I thought I knew. I always thought myself strong, in all senses of the word. I was always one of the strongest people my age, my will and determination have always been considerably strong, and I've grown very independent over the years of my life. Now, I find that I'm actually weak. Very weak. I see people, who in all other senses of the word are not as strong as I, except now I see how strong they really are. I see now that a truly strong person can love no matter what, they need only the love of God to keep them going. A truly strong person is driven to succeed, no matter what happens to always try and find a way to make things work out for the best. Although I try to do this, I find I cannot. I grow ill with heartache, more so somedays than others. Mentally ill, physically ill, sometime I fear even spiritually ill. I've begun to grow fearful, something I've always seen as weakness, yet I can't even begin to fight this fear. Not an irrational fear, one that most likely will come to pass. Time runs short, and I know what will happen to me if this fear comes true. That is why I fear it. Even if I try to make my heart of stone or ice, heartache always slowly chisels away at it, causing my illness. When this fear becomes reality... I fear it will do more than simply break my heart, I fear it will shatter it. I can't even bring myself to think of the future, for should this fear come, I will have no future. It will completely and utterly destroy me. That is why I am weak. What binds me to this world is not my own strength, but my wish not to test the strength of others. In time it will come... slowly eroding... but perhaps I give myself too much credit, or too little. I know not the minds of others, perhaps it will not be a test of strength that awaits them. What I fear most of all is what may happen to someone else... I fear I may have put them in a double bind, with few paths to take, all ending in sorrow. Whichever path is choosen, I will do my best to help them through it. I made a promise to always be there... as long as I live... Current Mood: Ill (Comment on this)
Monday, February 6th, 2006
12:06 am	.... Whence shadows fall and the stars begin to cry, for every light born creates a shadow in it's image. The shell of the mind, pierced by the shadows in the heart, can only begin to crack. The prey becomes one with the predator, a million entities within a single being when it's sun begins to set. The body returns to the earth, the spirit recedes with the sun. Unbound by the chains of love, the soul blows freely in the wind like the seeds of a dying flower. A single star in the sky, a few tears in the sea, a mote of dust on the wind, all so small a part of something much greater. Fire burns, consuming to creation, the essence of life. The flames of passion can only be quenched by tears, leaving the ashes of sorrow to blow on the wind. An diamond in the earth has no value to anyone, while a slice of bread in the hands of a starving child is a slice of paradise. A puzzle of a million pieces, each piece only being able to link to a few others, can create an unparallelled work of beauty, whence any piece standing alone is worthless, and any piece missing is greatly yearned for. Bananas... they do a body good. (Comment on this)
Tuesday, November 1st, 2005
12:10 am	Dayyyyy oneeeee I intended to quit this journal but I guess not... nothing much to say. Not much today, slept through class, did physics homework, went to a physics review (exam in 2 days), did MORE physics homework... and that's about it. My parents both randomly decided to call, which is nice, even if it is just my parents it's nice to know someone misses and thinks about you once in a while. I'll probably visit home this weekend, since it was chuck's birthday, and my parents wanted me to. Current Mood: blah (Comment on this)
Tuesday, September 20th, 2005
6:16 am	No rest for the wicked No sleep, no surprise. Spent a good 5 or 6 hours on homework, catching up. It was very upsetting, there were actually problems I was unable to do, which to me is something completely new. Probably because I missed class when they taught it, and these are advanced concepts like they don't teach in high school. Occasionally getting a depressed thought here and there, nothing too incredibly overbearing tonight though. The depressive stuff gives me really good ideas for my story though, just have to watch and make sure it doesn't turn into a horror story because a lot of the stuff in my head is pretty freaky. My story is still on my other comp, so I can't work on it right now though. I miss my kitties. They always knew when I was feeling sad and would come and snuggle with me when I was, then fall asleep purring loudly next to my head. College kinda sucks compared to what I was expecting. It does create a more independent atmosphere, but considering how independent I've been my whole life it pretty much just took me away from people I knew. As for the opportunity I wanted to try and make new friends and such, so far the only friends I have are my roommates. Perhaps it's just a bad time, but I can't help but feel things won't get better. Not due to any outside influences, I think the reason things are going the way they are is purely internal, my own mind and emotions creating barriers and attacking me. From everything I've learned about such things, it WON'T get any better, it will only get worse and worse, and many people say it's impossible to overcome on your own. I'll just keep trying though, I've always been bad at giving up. Hopefully the strong urge to jump off of a very tall building will go away soon instead of getting stronger like it has been. There's so much about myself I don't understand, I wish I was more simple. Perhaps everyone is as complicated as me, and they simply appear to be simple, or their complexity gives the illusion of simplicity. As I am only myself, I will probably never know. Yet for all my complexity, I really am just a simple fool. Pretty much anyone could pick me up and make me do whatever they wanted about now, I would strive to please anyone just because they've recognized my existence. A pitiful sight, I'm sure, to anyone who reads this. Yet the only things that are pathetic about myself are those that I have created within. The opportunities I've been given in life are enough for many to be envious of, I'll not deny my gifted mental and physical abilities. However much I have though, that much more I lack emotionally. Emotions suck. They're my weakness. Without them, I'd pretty much have everything a person could ask for. Maybe they'll go away soon, too. Confusing though, for everything I dislike about my emotions I cling to every single one desperately. They control me because of my need for them. Well, this is getting really long, so I'll just end it here. "For my thoughts are not your thoughts, neither are your ways my ways." Isaiah 55:8 "Trust in the Lord with all your heart, and lean not on your own understanding. In all ways acknowledge him, and he shall direct your path." Proverbs 5:6 Current Mood: blank (Comment on this)
Friday, September 16th, 2005
6:43 am	Another sleepless night Another night without sleep. The constant echoing of "Ok, so I lied, big deal, it IS the internet after all" in my head is about to drive me insane. How can someone be so... so... amazingly sadistic? So fucking... insane?! A well, I'll get over it. Just need a little more time that's all, the whole experience is still considerably fresh. Those of you who have in the past, I'll ask you once more to stand by me through a rough time, and sorry to put you through all my problems. Someday, I'll make it up to you. I promise. Current Mood: Pissed (Comment on this)
2:25 am	I seem to be doing the one thing I don't want to do lately, making the few people who care about me sad. I don't want that, but I don't want to feel the things I'm feeling either. To be perfectly happy one second, and then mindlessly pressing the up and down arrow keys for nearly a half hour in depression? I just don't get it. I didn't even try and fight it this time, I just let it take over. Which I'm sure is not good, it's only gonna get worse. I don't know why I am the way I am, but there's nothing I can do to change it. All I can do is take it and move on, hoping that it'll eventually go away. I hope it does soon, I don't like pain and sadness too much... Current Mood: apathetic (Comment on this)
Thursday, September 15th, 2005
12:45 am	What's going on? I'm insane now. I know that. After the psychotic paranoia I've been feeling, it's impossible for me not to be. Just another undesirable thing about me, I guess. My whole life's just a lie. I just want the truth to come, and end it all. The truth is very harsh I've found out, but I'd be willing to accept even that over soothing lies. I'm so confused! Makes me feel amazingly worthless. Always feeling worthless, more and more each day. The feelings of emptiness just grow stronger and stronger each day. I don't want it anymore, I've got no reason to continue. I'll never amount to anything in anyones eyes, unless it's just so they can mess with my head for a good laugh. It's always been like that, people really enjoy messing with me. Like I'm not even a person... maybe I'm not. Maybe that's why I was born, so that those who are worth something will have someone to mess with and laugh at. I don't understand, probably never will. Maybe figuring this whole situation out will help. All the lies WILL end, one way or another. If i can't figure this whole thing out, and I just keep getting lied to, I might as well just quit everything. If my whole life really is just to play the fool as other people laugh, sorry to say but that's not good enough for me, I can't live like that anymore. I wonder what it is that's holding me back so much, that's keeping me from rising above that which I've been for so long. As long as I can remember, before the Yumi incident, before high school, sometime in 7th grade it must've been. I've been rejected and alone ever since then, and I can't seem to get out of that beat. Is it really so much to ask for? Am I really too selfish, too whiny, a spoiled brat? I don't even know the answer to that. Someday the answers will come. Someday... Current Mood: confused (Comment on this)
Monday, September 12th, 2005
4:19 am	Sleepless Nights I can't sleep, and there's nobody to talk to. I'm going to have to get used to the inability to normally sleep, sleep never comes easy anymore, and when it does come it's very shallow and disturbed. I can't understand why or how I let all this happen to me. I want to talk to her again, to find out why things turned out the way they did, and truly bring everything to it's final conclusion. Even though I know I'm nothing to her anymore, I still can't seem to make myself let go. I will have to arrange it, I don't want it to be spontaneous and scare her. I'm very afraid of what will happen though, if she's completely forgotten me, so that she won't even remember my name or who I am. Hard to imagine the one person who has occupied my thoughts so much the past couple years could so easily forget me, it makes me realize I'm even more pathetic than I originally thought. It's consuming me, from the inside out. It's killing me, really. Quickly, then slowly, then quickly again. How long will it take to push me past the brink of madness? Some would say I've already passed that, that I'm a bonefied nutcase. Perhaps, but I feel inside that I still have a couple shreds of sanity left, which I credit to those who have stood beside me (figuratively speaking, as the few are sadly very far away) through this very difficult trial. What am I to do? A question not easily answered. I feel the shadows closing in all around me, squeezing my heart until I can't breathe anymore. The pressure shoots up my spine, into my head where terrible ideas spawn at an amazing rate, images and desires that would easily scare any normal person to the point where they would piss their pants. The thoughts burn inside my head, causing my eyes to go dry. Then, the thoughts stop, everything stops, and all the chaotic passion within melts away into emptiness. My hand unconciously reaches for my chest, which feels the pain of a knife in my heart. My eyes realize they're too dry, and begin to grow moist until I can no longer hold it in, and then the tears begin to fall, slowly trickling at first, turning into the flow of despair. During all this I make not a noise, tell not a soul. Nobody, except of course, this journal. This experience I'm having is not new to me, rather over the past few days it has become frighteningly common. It's becoming more and more difficult to keep a normal facade during everyday things, but to allow myself to completely breakdown would cause chaos and questions, two things I do not desire. I feel now like a caged rat, trapped by my own emotions forever, until they slowly crush me to death. My only hope is that someone will come for me, someone who can open my cage and let me out, and take me into their loving arms. Stupid... stupid hope is what has kept me on this path for so long. But without that hope, I wouldn't be able to bring myself to fight the small amount I've managed. It is only once I've given up all hope that I am truly lost. Please God, stand by me now in this time. Give me the hope that I need to continue life as you've planned, so that I can stop being this cursed evil monster that I've allowed myself to become. Please allow me to accept things the way you have designed, and let me live out whatever purpose I am meant for. I know that whatever it is, I cannot have yet fullfilled it. Guide me along the path of your eternal light, and lift me from this darkness that would drowned me in sorrow. Amen. Current Mood: crushed (Comment on this)
Tuesday, September 6th, 2005
12:53 pm	DAMN IT FUCKING PIECE OF SHIT BITCH I can't stay like this. I can't believe I let this happen to me. I'm such an idiot. My own fault too, I LET it happen. SOMEBODY PLEASE SHOOT ME. Why... WHY? I think about it, sure I say I'm a bad person, because I am a bad person. Not from lack of trying though, I've tried so hard my entire life to do the best I can. Guess my best just isn't good enough. I must really be more worthless than I thought. It's never going to get better, there's no chance of it. I can't eat, I can't sleep. I managed to go to my classes today, only to realize that I wasn't going to be understanding a word and I would be focusing mostly on preventing myself from throwing up or passing out or attacking someone. I'm afriad I'm gonna end up seriously hurting someone before I'm able to stop myself, some poor random soul who doesn't know any better and tries to fuck with me. I'll eventually just let myself die, I can't continue to sustain life anymore. The only thing I can do is drink water. I couldn't stop myself from doing that if I tried though. So... I'll just keep going to classes... just keep on as long as I can. I wish it would just end now, please. The pain... it's just too much, I'm too weak. My own weakness that causes it... DAMN IT DAMN IT >_ Current Mood: SUICIDAL (Comment on this)
Tuesday, August 30th, 2005
4:29 am	After a long discussion about my "problems", all that was managed was realizations rather than solutions. Such as the realization that nobody, not even the people reading this, can even begin to fill my void, and that I would cut of your head in cold blood without a second thought if it meant getting my hearts desire. Lucky for you, it wouldn't, and lucky for me. I like to retain as much humanity as possible. Consider this realization of mine a warning to those that would try and get close to me, that it may end up hurting you deeply, and although if it could be helped I would not want to, nothing and nobody in this world is important enough to me to try and stop me from fulfilling myself. Perhaps that may sound amazingly selfish, but in truth it's not really, considering I can only be fulfilled by the fulfillment of another. It just happens that the one person is more important, it can't be helped. To those who are still my friends, despite knowing all these risks, thank you, in such times it is greatly appreciated and will not be forgotten. If at any moment, any one of my friends reading this becomes frightened by any of my actions or would rather not risk being hurt by me, I will respect that decision and I will leave you alone. As long as you don't feel that need though, I shall try my best to be a good friend in any way possible, as long as it wouldn't cause pain to the one I love. Can't imagine that a situation would arise where a friend would ask such a thing anyways, so this entire entry is pretty much pointless. DIE, STUPID ENTRY! Current Mood: cold (Comment on this)
Monday, August 29th, 2005
3:35 am	What's your name do to you? Friend showed me something interesting, apparently through Kabalistic Philosophy they can put your name into a mathematical equation with the letters of your name as symbols getting a specific output to create different personalities. Interesting, would find it hard to believe till I tried. Your name of Edward gives you self-assurance, independence, and confidence. You have depth of mind and the ability to concentrate and to follow a line of thought to a logical conclusion. Your love of challenging the concepts of others invariably leads you to create your own ideas and to pioneer new lines of thought. Your strong characteristic of individuality qualifies you as a leader. You must be independent and you do not brook interference in any way. Although you do not tolerate interference in your own affairs, this characteristic does not prevent you from interfering in the affairs of others. When my friend showed me that, I was interested because it was a pretty good summary. It wasn't until I tried the name I am called more often that I got weirded out though. The name of Ed gives you a very inquisitive, restless, seeking nature. You feel impelled by intense desires that you cannot comprehend or satisfy. You have had the desire to accomplish something outstanding and to do something very worthwhile for humanity, especially early in your life. This name gives you a versatile, clever, analytical mind, but unfortunately you cannot direct your interest toward an undertaking for long, as you do not have the patience and practicality for systematic hard work and attention to detail. You resent obstacles, delays, and restrictions. This name gives you ambition, high ideals, and much creative ability, but the intense dynamic nature is too often spent in feelings and in moods, rather than in constructive action. Amazing how different the two are, yet both seem to have incredible accuracy. Just felt like showing this because I found it really interesting, I'll probably look into figuring out what formula they use, although I'm not a Kabalist. Try your name here Current Mood: impressed (Comment on this)
Friday, August 26th, 2005
2:33 am	eeep. Sadness. Earlier today I was thinking, because someday said something about hate, that I really don't hate anything, or anyone. After a while I realize neither is true, I hate one thing, and I hate one person. The thing I hate is consequence, and the person I hate is, of course, myself. I hate consequence because in life, nothing tries to make themselves miserable, nobody wants to end up a serial killer or rapist, nobody desires the life of a convict or criminal. It's simply the consequences of poor judgement. Even those who really do have cruel intentions, the desire for that intent is not natural. It's the consequence... good intentions gone wrong, causing pain and strife, paving a path of hatred into other peoples lives. That humanity works this way, through consequence, I hate it. And when I think of myself... I hate it even more. The consequence of my existence, and it's all for nothing. That I will die alone and having only caused pain to others... it makes me just want to die right now. I try... so hard... but me... stupid me... I can't control myself enough, I'm too human, I end up making people miserable. When I think about it... what it is that makes me do it... it's the part of me that wants to recognize my existence by seeing the pain of others, the part of me I hate more than anything. I do these things... I cut myself and try to die... and nobody stops me, nobody even notices or cares. It hurts so much, to know that if I dissappeared right now it would mean nothing. The part of me makes other people sad because it's the only way I can know I exist and if I dissappear it can mean something. And I hate that... I despise it, that I let myself go through with such things. It's so painful... because even that way, only people far away even care, and they only know because I tell them. People who read this journal... if I didn't tell, it wouldn't be noticed. I have to force myself on people, force my pain on people, people so far away who haven't even met me... what kind of monster am I. I would like to think that someday, someone would come for me, someone who loved me and cared for me, who would stop all the pain so that part of me would die and I wouldn't want to force pain anyone ever, that's so naive, and so stupid. The only other way I can think to stop myself is impossible, I can't do it under current circumstances. Again... circumstance, almost like fate's evil twin created by humanity. I can't even isolate myself anymore, I'm too weak and I get so lonely. I can never do anything, why have I let myself become this thing? Maybe once I'm in college, something will change. ANYTHING, please God, please. I can't live like this, if it can even be called living. I may be somewhat old, but in the eyes of many I'm still very young, it can't be that I've been put here for no reason at all, just to cause pain and die. Please, please let something change, so that it doesn't end up that way, and I don't end up with the worthless life I've lived so far. Current Mood: sad (Comment on this)
Tuesday, August 23rd, 2005
4:42 pm	Today has not been a good day. I suppose it didn't start out to bad... now that I think about it nothing really bad even happened. It's just me... me and my stupid emotions that are for shit. I was just feeling really bored, and lonely... I just wanted to talk to someone, but I just ended up being an irritation like always. You know your annoying when you can manage to get people hundreds of miles away whom you've never met so annoyed that they hate you. I didn't even feel like I'd done anything, but apparently I'm just unconsciously an annoying bastard. Annoying... with no purpose... no reason... I hate that I'm like this. I don't want to be an annoying and worthless person, like some stupid bug waiting to be squished. Why do I have to be this way, no matter how hard I try? I think I'm annoying because I'm lonely... and I just want someone to recognize my existence or something stupid like that. How pathetic... at first I just started crying, but after a while it made me angry at myself, I hated myself. I ended up hurting myself... not horribly, just a few cuts and bruises. I suppose I still hate myself, what I've become. I don't want to change who I am in order to have people notice me, that won't make me happy. But I don't want to annoy people either, which is what I tend to do. If only I could just... die... I've tried before, I can't seem to do it though. Not from lack of will or anything, I'd go through with it in a second I feel. Nothing to stop me. No one to care either way. Maybe in college I'll find a way... and just end it. That's still a few weeks though, so I'll just have to keep annoying people until then. I'm sorry everyone. Current Mood: aggravated (Comment on this)
2:30 am	Still searching... haven't found much, but I didn't really expect to this way. I sometimes question myself, since I'm not willing to drop everything and go right now... I question it. I shouldn't really, it seems like my level of commitment is actually extremely high, and I am doing what would be considered the far wiser thing, but it's not what my heart wants. The thing that stops me is the thought that I am preserving the future, making the possiblity for a continuous and happy life, even though it seems horrible now. Anyways, I move to college in just a week! It's later than most people, my sister starts school tommorrow and most of my... aquaintances... start school around August 31st. I move in on the 1st, but I don't have classes till the 6th. I think that school will be somewhat of a nuissance, I'm not able to focus on anything now so I doubt I will in college. I hope I can manage to maintain good grades despite that, so that I can get a good job and support the ones I love. I'm thinking that during Christmas Break I'll have to go down... even if I don't know a general area, I'll just look until I find, or until the breaks up. If I don't find... I'll have to wait until spring break. Trying to find as much as I can now so that when I do end up going to look, it won't be such a wild goose chase. Rather confused, but I think my minds pretty much made up, it would take a miracle to deter me now. People have tried, I don't seem to listen... maybe I should, but I just can't. Wish more people would support me though, I know a few people who try, but the people who can help most are hesitant... not without reason of course, I feel bad even asking people to break promises and such. It's just how it has to be, for me at least. Thanks again to everyone who's been there for me when I was down, it means a lot to me and I'll never forget it. Current Mood: eager (Comment on this)
Thursday, August 18th, 2005
5:00 am	If you look long enough and hard enough, your bound to find something. Not always something you like... but I found something much sooner than I expected. Not as much as I'd like... but enough to begin with. The question left to me is... what to do with it. It's not enough, searching could consume my whole life... and once I've found what I'm looking for, I'll never be able to let go. I have to wait... my opportunity will come, I just have to keep working towards it. Despite bad news that I can't put down here, I'm hopeful since it was not the worst news, and that I still have a chance to make things right. I don't need to close myself off anymore, or be sad anymore, now that I've got hope. A feeble hope, but stronger than it was before. It can only get stronger as I get closer and closer. Until that shining moment I've seen in my dreams so many times... This is vague on purpose, please don't ask about anything. Perhaps a few people may be able to piece things together, but even if you manage to, I would prefer not to talk about anything as of yet. Thank you to all my friends, and thank you God, for giving me the determination to keep looking. Current Mood: hopeful (Comment on this)
Wednesday, August 17th, 2005
5:04 am	Knew it wouldn't last long. What I didn't know is that the person it would end up making me miss a lot was Yumi, damn my mind for doing that. Basically did nothing again today, except searched around for any information on Yumi, AGAIN. Actually found the e-mails of some her old friends IRL, maybe they know something. Makes me feel like a stalker, though, looking through a bunch of old stuff and such to try and find her. I would never hurt her though... and if she didn't want me to look for her she could tell me so... if she talked to me. She must have no idea I'm trying to find her, it's so hard to find anything and it's taking me too long to find her. I wish I could move on, I doubt at this point it's humanly possible. She would hate to see me like this, I know she would. She always told me she felt horrible that I wanted to be with her so bad but she wasn't there for me, and I always felt the same towards her. *sigh* I looked up alone at the night sky and saw a comet In an instant it began and vanished completely but It reminds me of you, and my chest begins to hurt I want to see you right now, but I can't fly through the sky If maybe I'd been able to become a comet I would run flying through the sky No matter what kind of tomorrow comes, this thought will be strong So this comet is completely indestructable Rain's falling and it's miserable, and when it hazes over Any time now, I'll be remembering what you said In the night sky after the rain, a star emerges beautifully And I figure I can fall in love with the rain If, maybe, I'd gotten the chance to be a comet I'd overflow and spill light, always When you're sad, you looking at the night sky Makes me want to sparkle more, like you as you break into a smile You're always fighting something by yourself I can't be that thing by your side, but... If maybe, just maybe, I had the chance to become a comet I would surely rush to fall from the sky Beyond a doubt, I would reach you on this moment's light Let's wrap your "now" around the shining sky If I'd gotten the chance to be a comet Definitely, I'd be by your side for all time - Houkiboshi Current Mood: lonely (Comment on this)
Tuesday, August 16th, 2005
4:40 am	Not as bad as I thought. Just watched movies and anime all day, was actually a pretty good day. I actually think I'll keep things this way for a while, until I run out of movies and anime and grow bored of them. People suck, I don't need em, and they don't want me. It seems I get lonely only when I try not to be, otherwise it's really not that bad. I'm only even typing in this journal because I have nothing else to do until my next Naruto epi get's finished, how about that? It's not from sadness or thought clearing or anger or anything! Just boredom. Sure does make my life uneventful though. But what the hay, better than bein sad right? Just wonder how long I can keep it up. Just gotta fight myself, not literally although I have done that before from like... sadness or something... but I just gotta keep myself from interacting with anyone, no matter how much my natural reaction would be to do it. Hmmmm... this is kind of an interaction... maybe I should stop this too... but I never get any feedback, and I doubt anyone reads it, so it's just kinda maybe a one-way interaction that doesn't really count. And, it takes up time while I'm waiting for my anime. Which is... not done yet. I'll just have to keep going till it's done, only like 3 minutes left. But I can't really think of much to say... I guess I kinda missed talkin to a few people, but not THAT much. Hope it can stay that way. Probably won't... but I know talking to people doesn't help anyway. When I was watching Naruto, I felt really bad for Gaara, because nobody loved him and he was always thought of as a monster. He decided the only way to confirm his existence was to kill... I may be crazy, but I'm not THAT crazy. Perhaps no one truly loves me, and perhaps I even have a monster inside me, but I could never bring myself to hate other people for it. As a general rule, I leave them alone, they leave me alone, I should've realized a long time ago that they left me alone for a good reason, not just because they're too shy or anything like that. And... 24 seconds left?! Come on, it should be done by now! I suppose I can just wait out the rest. Current Mood: content (Comment on this)
Monday, August 15th, 2005
6:22 am	Why do I have to be so irritating to everyone? All I want is to have some friends, I'm so stupid. A friend is supposed to be someone that you enjoy being with and they enjoy being with you, or doing something together or talking together or whatever. I realize that all my "friends" are just people who I can't seem to leave alone. people I wanted to be my friends bc I enjoy them, but to them I'm just an annoyance. Which makes sense, really, that's all I am, all I ever will be. I thought maybe I should keep on trying to live, make friends, do whatever people do, but I think now... that that's really stupid. I can't kill myself either... don't have the means, and even if I did, that would probably inconvenience people even more. Maybe I should just leave everyone alone entirely. I wish I wasn't such a pussy, so that I could do that. I'll just have to try... more pain for me to bear, but at least I won't bother anyone anymore. Let's see how long it lasts, before I get too weak and come crawling back. Goodbye everyone, for a while at least. Enjoy my absence. Current Mood: guilty (Comment on this)